“`I do not remember when the new shape of laugh introduced me to myself. This laughter expresses itself through its giggles. Carousing in a loud voice, it reveals itself in many separate happenings and massages our body, mind, and intellect.
It proceeded, causing tears to come to my eyes, my head to ache, pain in my bones, and granted awareness to the intellect, stability to the mind, longevity to the breaths, depth to my thoughts, and quietness to my existence.
This laughter takes birth in the situation of pain and trouble. However, I do not mean that it brings a smile to my lips when I see a murder taking place! Nor does it mean that a whirlwind or an earthquake made me laugh. No, the echo of my laughter emerged from my deep mental plane. It caused a swerve in my moments and I remained besieged with ignorance.
I was not off my head, but have found that, in this state of ignorance, the caravans of reflections march on. However, the echo of laughter is found even today in the dust, stirred by the caravans. The marks of the experience of laughter are visible in the footfalls of moments.
I came face to face with this laughter eighteen times. I have not forgotten any happening up till now, nor my own state of mind as I went through it.
These unique moments of today make me conversant with this tender state. Therefore, by introducing you to two or three occurrences, I wish to convey the secret of my laughter.
“Life is an invaluable journey in which nothing is irrelevant or superfluous.”
I lived in a joint family, so it is needless to describe any incidents. We proceed directly to the field of occurrence; for our cow was pregnant and my grand uncle’s joy knew no bounds. There would be milk and butter in the house and the children would enjoy them.
I, also, stood there listening to others. Suddenly I spoke out, “Enjoy yourself only when the happy moment comes.”
Even today, I feel I detected in their apparent joy the hollowness of pain. As God willed, the next morning a snake bit the cow in the tongue when she was grazing. The cow died. The whole family was lost in gloom and so was I. When the senior uncle came home and made his appearance I broke into a laughter without making any sound. When the laughter turned into a smile I rushed to the field and paused at a tube well at a short distance in order to get rid of my lava-like laughter. I kept laughing for one full hour before I regained my normal state. Then I got rid of my laugh. The massage of this laughter moistened my eyes, caused a headache which then subsided.
Then sadness gave my laughter a queer shape. What was the message of this laughter, I did not know. I only knew that the laughter had brought pain along with ridicule.
In the same way—
Nearly four or five months after I arrived in Canada from India, Darshi’s(husband) Uncle, also, came for a visit. At the airport, for his entry, the Immigration Department charged four thousand dollars as security and allowed him a visa for six months. Darshi’s father and mother paid this amount and at the same time lost their sleep.
Along with the uncle, they also brought with them a pail full of worry, doubt, and suspicion. They feared they might lose the money; they could not have even sleep. Their staggering plight sowed in me seeds of laughter. I felt the appearance of light, flickering laughter. I observed reticence, but seeing my parents in doubt and suspense, the seeds of laughter began to sprout up. I would some time enter the room and pour out my feelings through laughter. At times, I would go out into the fields and sow in them the seeds of laughter. However, their restless and worried state maintained my laughing mood.
After two months, our uncle was caught red-handed plucking apples. Now the money was lost. That day the laughter that overcame me simply left me amazed. I rushed into the bathroom. There water cleansed my body and laughter cleansed my mind.
On the third occasion, I had a similar laughter at the Charnel. When the people were weeping, I was laughing within; why? Yes, why so? Was I mad, foolish, or ignorant? There is only one occasion which really brings tears to my eyes and my heart bleeds. When someone takes the life of another, when despite full knowledge and consciousness, she/he robs another person; when she/he proves himself low of thought—laughter at such times have always caused me pain.
Nevertheless, this laughter has some reason which I could never make out. Today, when my life is passing through the intellectual state, the incidents at the emotional plane, also, slip out of the basket of reminiscences and the colour and shape of every materialist longing become ready to disclose its identity. This is the finest meeting of the three fields, which, by introducing us to the limits and bounds, leads to the understanding of the vast, infinite field. The field which opens the account-books of countless deeds that dig out the truth-besmeared with the dust of impressions and which throws it into the court of life. Then life, observing its own purity and beauty, pronounces its verdicts. It tries to determine its own standing in the existing situation as well as its achievements.
I laughed—laughed hilariously—but why?
It is a very beautiful and matchless riddle that my life ultimately resolved.
First: I did not laugh; laughter came involuntarily. It occurred as an event. Had I laughed of my own accord, there would have been a reason behind; in that case, I could not regard myself as ignorant. For when the cause is present, effect can be produced. Event does not occur—the doing consciousness is the consciousness of arrogance and none considers himself to be haughty and arrogant.
A person trampled underfoot on all sides cannot express her/himself in a haughty language nor do arrogant deeds.
My laughter was a summary statement of our uncle’s mode of expression—a laughter betraying the dilapidation of my hauteur which my subtle being had apprehended and the same subtle insight had detected and anticipated the absence of the cow in the coming moments.
The consciousness of that moment is still alive and fresh in my mind; for too deep colour of experience never goes on washing from the sheet of life! I remember those moments in which I felt happy and calm. I would remain in quest of those moments; they lay scattered in deep, hidden surrounding—for example, when I saw the thick shadow of someone’s virtues and vices or the deep state of someone’s beautiful or ugly environment, I felt stillness within. I mentioned this fact to my family doctor, but these moments ever stood before me in an unintelligible state. Today’s time is only an addition to those moments of stillness and seeks companionship with the life fenced by beauty.
In this context of intellect I see my In-laws’ impatience and unrest, caused by the loss of money for which they could not even sleep. The same worry disturbed the peace of other relatives. They were not poor and could bear this loss. But not only was the money gone, they had also lost their relationship and had endured trouble and strain in the bargain.
How they convulse for money,
Rather than for relationship!
How life undergoes pains, strains, and burns in the heat of moments, only led by avarice! They did not feel any pain for poor uncle, only felt the loss of money. Their words, formally uttered to maintain their relationship, became the butt of my ridicule. Their wastage of life for the sake of money was the cause of my mockery. I felt how we sustain a double-loss for the sake of money.
Though my thumping my head and boisterous laughter were furtive and unnoticed, the state of mind that I had then, owing to those considerations, persists even now.
In every being revolve and twinkle the stars of feelings and desires, which, on being scattered amidst the countless breaking and dilapidating events in the firmament of our life, become our guides in the journey of life with the coolness of their experience. Still, my being, lost in profound slumber, feels the sweet stimulation of meditation. The awareness of this state booms fast through moments in search of a suitable environment.
Thus several such events occurred in my life ultimately leading to this result: that, though I was a young girl of three or four, I had sexual inclinations. In other words, Shaheer was a symbol of lewdness. This not only stunned me, but also stunned my environment. Nevertheless, slowly and slowly this stillness had a touch of fun and laughter; and a few days later that laughter turned into a giggle and began to massage me. I would laugh and laugh until I was exhausted. The laugh also contained a feeling which I never heeded. My transit flowed through feelings only. However, when some occurrence attempts to snatch life itself, the latter gives an alarm
“A foolish person while speaking utters such nonsensical words that she/he does not realize what effect they will have on the listener. She/He pushes others into a deep abyss in order to justify Her/himself—where no one but a life is murdered.”
When a life is going to be murdered but the cataract of laughter starts flowing, life becomes bold stating that the socially weak person who fails to face his own weaknesses uses one weapon—she/he begins to denigrate his opponents. This weak understanding of the individual and the society gives birth to laughter.
This laughter, born of a painful situation, rids us of avarice and attachment; it also liberates life from uncouth and unpalatable characters, and along with that, secures our release from the painful memories of the past. This liberation takes birth at night; however, I had no idea of that.
~This laughter was not the result of ignorance which was buying another loss to make amends for one loss. This laughter was in response to that hauteur which was endeavouring to prove itself the creator. This laughter always mocked my ignorance, when it felt that I was ignorant of my own liking or desire.
~This laughter—constantly making fun of my ignorance—bestowed upon me wisdom or under-standing.
~This laughter—constantly finding me suffering losses—exempted me from all harm.
~This laughter—at the sight of humans craving and convulsing for happiness and comfort—worked for my release from longings.
~This laughter—by giving me the understanding of fake garments—made me cognisant of the garments of Truth.
This laughter was a puff which blew away after giving me the idea of the depth as well as the zenith of life and which, converting the colour of past experience into a giggling laughter and lending my being the consciousness of the ecstatic delight of a free life, made me well-satiated, contented, and perfect.